Uberrime Calaveras – Sex Toy Review
The Uberrime Calaveras… this toy is without a doubt the spookiest of the spooky… like… so spooky I was going to save to save it up for my Spooky Month Grand Finale and really go out with a bang! But then I found out that these super awesome, super spooky toys were SUPER limited edition! Like… as of this morning, Uberrime tweeted that they only have three left! AND after October 31st there will be no more made… this is it… this is your last chance to snap up this skull-tacular dildo up… in fact, just stop reading this review right now… go over to Uberrime.com and just buy it right now… I’m just going to give you the TLDR version of this review… and that is “Yeah, you’ll probably want to buy it. So buy it now.” Were you one of those poor, unfortunate souls who missed out on the chance to purchase the Calaveras? Sucks to be you. Also I’m sorry. Also, maybe if you get down on your knees and beg really hard and just throw fistful after fistful of cash, Uberrime will make more of these in the future. If not, I recommend you try out one of their other toys, they are equally as awesome! In fact… if you miss out on the Calaveras, I recommend you console yourself by purchasing the Uberrime Night King (which I reviewed earlier this month). Sure… it doesn’t have skulls for balls… but… it’s still pretty cool!
When I put out my call for spooky sex toys to review for SPOOKY MONTH Uberrime was one of the first to respond. They were all “pssst… come here…” and I was all “…whoa… stranger danger…” but they were all “naw, its cool… I got a thing you should see…” and I was all “well… I do like things… so okay, this seems legit…” and then they were all “LOOK AT MY BALLS! THEY ARE MADE FROM SKULLS!” and I was all “HOT DAMN THAT IS SOME BONER!” and then somewhere in that conversation I agreed to review it for Halloween. That is 100% word for word how that went down… as far as I can remember… But for real, I was straight up super excited about this toy, it is just so unique, I knew it wasn’t something I could possibly pass up.
Okay, I see you looking at this thing and I hear you saying “yeah… but why do I want this thing?” I’ve got two words for you (or would it be five words) for you: glow-in-the-dark testicles. That is definitely why you need the Calaveras. It has GLOW-IN-THE-MUTHA-FUCKIN’-DARK SKULL BALLS! I don’t even know why I have to write anything else in this review, like honestly… how are glowing skull balls not enough for you? The care and precision that went into sculpting these balls (FYI, Uberrime does all their sculpting by hand… so you know you are getting some quality shit) is just amazing, their little skulls have little teeth carved into their little mouths. Their little spooky eye sockets have little spooky X’s (is this intentional? I don’t know… but I’m into it…) that gives them that cartoony ‘this is definitely dead’ look… in case skulls weren’t enough to convince you of the muertos nature of this toy. I honestly can’t think of anything more terrifying then having little skulls for balls… like, can you even imagine the horrifying creature that this penis would belong to? Whatever it is… I don’t want to meet it in a dark and abandoned street.
The Calaveras may look like its a large toy… but it really isn’t. It’s all an optical illusion, because of those amazing balls. The skulls alone takes 18 ounces of silicone to pour… so right there you have as much silicone as a smaller dildo just in the base! The total length of the toy is 7 inches, but only 5 inches are actually insertable… so while might look a little intimidating, it is actually a pretty manageable, average size. It is also not an incredibly girthy dildo either (which I’m find with in this case, I wouldn’t want the shaft dwarfing that sensational skeletal scrotum), it is only 1.51 inches in diameter at its widest point, so a pretty comfortably average dildo as far as both length and girth go. But those skull balls… okay, don’t get me wrong here… the balls are amazing and without a doubt my most favorite part of the Uberrime Calaveras… but they take up a lot of real estate. I would say that the skull base makes up a rather large chunk of the toy and adds quite a bit of weight and awkward unwieldy-ness to it. But its not enough of a hindrance (for me) to really dock it any points for this… because while it is a fully functional sex toy… there is also something more… novelty and decorative about it… like… sure you can smash it up your vagina (or ass)… but you could also just buy it to display as a unique bit of spooky XXX seasonal decor. Also, it glows in the dark, so you can use it as an alternative to a torch for those evenings when you are out with the village and part of an angry monster hunting mob.
The skulls (while super awesome) aren’t the only cool sculptural feature of the Calaveras either… once you can peel your eyes away from the base, you’ll notice that the shaft is actually pretty spook-tacular in its own right! The whole thing is designed to look like a spine (I want to make a boner joke here, but I won’t, I just won’t…), which will give you the ultimate boning experience (whoops… guess I couldn’t help myself)! While perhaps not completely anatomically correct, the vertebrae (Are they human vertebrae? Did this monstrous creature rip the spines out of its victims to fashion into a penis? Is it wearing human vertebra as a decorative penis guard?!) do provide some very delightful textures to the entirety of the shaft. I could definitely feel the bump, bump, bump of the spine as I slid it inside and I loved it. I wish the shaft of the toy were both longer and fatter, but I do understand the likely reason they are not… it all comes back to that base… with as much silicone that went into the base, if Uberrime was to make the shaft of the toy any bigger, the cost of the materials would increase substantially… which in turn would push the price of the toy to well over $100… so even though my vagina dreams of a larger toy, my wallet (and no doubt yours) appreciates the Calaveras just the way it is.
The Calaveras is what I affectionally call a completely realistic unrealistic dildo. I say this because it has that typical penis shape… you can see a penis head, shaft, and balls… but then again… other than its shape, there is nothing like a normal penis about this thing. Even the color is wild and fantastical! My Calaveras (as I believe is the case with all of the Calaveras available for order) comes in a neat color mixture of green, black and silvery-gray. The green is what glows and is most prominent in the skulls, but there does seem to be some glowing green that travels up through the shaft of the toy, although it is sunk much deeper under the other colors. There is also a healthy sprinkle of glitter throughout the toy… which is definitely 100% necessary. What good is a dildo if it doesn’t sparkle? The Calaveras that are currently in stock will all be the same color, although due to the hand pouring process the marbling is likely to vary from toy to toy… so you’ll get something slightly unique!
So, in use… it did take me a few tries to find the most comfortable way to hold the Calaveras, the base is (for lack of a better word) a chunky-monkey. But in the end I did find a pretty comfortable way to hold it and was able to thrust with wild abandon! It’s a pretty nice dildo for riding, even though it doesn’t have a suction cup to keep it locked in place, the skulls add just enough weight that the base stayed more or less put while I bounced up and down. The silicone is pretty soft and flexible though, so if my aim was off… I would just end up bending the shaft to one side or another… but that is more my own problem then the dildos. Another thing I enjoyed about the Calaveras is that the boney spinal shaft has just enough of a curve that it tickled my g-spot in the most pleasant of ways… its not the most mind-blowing g-spot toy I’ve owned, the softer silicone doesn’t let me put as much pressure against my g-spot as I usually like, but it did do an okay job at it! Also, it works very well as an anal toy! Obviously that big base means that it is more than safe for anal use and those bumpy vertebrae feel fuckin’ amazing sliding in and out of my bum… I’m getting orgasmic after shocks just thinking about it… and the more I think about it…. the more I realize I enjoyed using it anally far more than I did vaginally! My vagina craved a little more girth… but my butt was in heaven! The only thing I wish I could have done with the Calaveras is to have been able to fit it into a harness so I could make terrible boner jokes while waving my spiney willy about… but obviously… the base is too big for a harness… and believe me, I tried really hard to force it into my harness (even though I knew it wouldn’t fit)… I tried so hard… I had big plans for my boney boner… but alas… it was not meant to be.
My recommendation? Well, I think I made that pretty clear in the beginning… and if you haven’t yet, you better to buy it now! You really don’t want to miss out on this fun bit of horror kitsch, its an excellent toy and an even more excellent source of cheeky creepiness! The detailing in this toy are to die for (muhahahaha) and the quality is some of the best I’ve seen in a silicone toy. I am absolutely enamored with Uberrime and if you are at all in the market for a silicone toy I highly recommend checking them out (even if you do miss out on the Calaveras). If you are looking for a serious, every-day dildo workhorse… this might not be the right dildo, the balls really put it more in the novelty side of things then the every day functional… don’t get me wrong, it works perfectly as a dildo… but the skulls are… big. But it could be an excellent once and awhile role-play dildo… you can be a lovely, naive little angel who has fallen in love with a hell-beast… you can watch his demonic cock glow between your legs as it thrusts hard, its possessed testicles chattering and laughing as it defiles you… (okay… now I know what I’m doing for Halloween…). The price might be a bit of a shock, but it is still under $100 and you’ve got to think about just how much work has gone into sculpting and pouring these toys… the quality is top notch and this toy is worth the price and with good care it should last you many many many years.
If you’re lucky, you can still score yourself an Uberrime Calaveras dildo! Furiously click on over to Uberrime and cross your fingers someone hasn’t beaten you to the last of these bone-chilling toys!
The Uberrime Calaveras was provided to me free of charge by Uberrime in exchange for my honest review.