FemmeFunn Ultra Bullet Massager – Sex Toy Review
Confession: sometimes I agree to do a toy review for a toy I am pretty sure I am going to hate. It’s not because I am a hoarder, greedy for more sex toys (okay, maybe its a little bit of that), it is mostly because if I hate something I want to be able to explain to you guys why I hate it, why something doesn’t work for me, because I am sure some of you are like me. We might have the same tastes, needs, wants, and desires when it comes to sex toys… so I agree to toys I’m pretty sure I will hate so I can save you money and frustration and help you find something perfect for you! I am a goddamn sex toy super hero! ALL HAIL KITTEN BOHEME!
Second Confession: sometimes I am completely surprised. Sometimes I want to hate a toy and then… I don’t. Sometimes I am 100% surprised by something and I really enjoy it. That is what has happened with the FummeFunn Ultra Bullet Massager… a complete surprise! When Peepshow Toys offered me the chance to review the FemmeFunn Bullet I took one look at it and laughed, there was no way that stupid looking thing was going to be anywhere near strong enough to bring me to a decent orgasm. But, I agreed to it. I wanted to try this out and save anyone I could from purchasing something stupid (I’m a goddamn hero, remember?).
Jokes on me. I really enjoyed this stupid looking thing. UGH. I hate it when I’m wrong.
Besides having a kind of long, stupid name the FemmeFunn Ultra Bullet Massager (must I keep writing that out? SEO says yes.) is a 100% silicone bullet vibrator with 20 different vibrations modes. Yep, 20. I really think that is a bit excessive. Ain’t no one got time to scroll through 20 vibration settings. The FemmeFunn is controlled via a single button at the base of the toy. To power the FemmeFunn Bullet on just hold down on the button for three seconds until the LED light glows and the toy starts to vibrate. The FemmeFunn has three constant speed modes – a low, medium, and high. After cycling through those three steady vibrations it’s time to pack a lunch and begin the long journey of cycling through the other 17 modes – all various patterns. Turning the FemmFunn off again is pretty much the same as turning it on, just hold the button down for another three seconds and the toy will power down. My advice for manufacturers, if you are going to have an excessive amount of modes for me to choose from, for the love of all that is good, give me an up and down button option. I don’t want to have found something I liked, accidentally click the button, then have to through the horror of cycling back through all the settings looking for that one setting that was doing it for me. This is what nightmares are made of. It isn’t all terrible though, there is one nifty little feature of the FemmFunn’s controls and that is it’s memory function. Say you found a mode that you absolutely love and are in the middle of masturbating when all of a sudden you start wondering if all the band members of Duran Duran are dead or alive and it’s driving you absolutely crackers, so you need to pause what you are doing to google this real quick… but then you think to yourself “man, this toy has 20 modes, do I really want to cycle through all of them just to get back to this one?” FEAR NOT MORTAL FOR I HAVE THE ANSWER! The memory function will remember which mode you were using when you turned the toy off and when you turn it back on again, TA-DA you are right back to enjoying yourself! Hit the button again and the FemmFunn begins its cycle back at the beginning with the first of the constant speed modes. So, at least there’s that.
Also, in case you are wondering Duran Duran is fine. Probably. I’m pretty sure. Google it.
The FemmeFunn is made from 100% silicone. Like, completely… unlike a lot of vibes that are ABS plastic coated in silicone, the FemmeFunn is pretty much all squishy, wiggly, flexible silicone. If you are going to use lube with the FemmeFunn bullet I highly recommend avoiding silicone based lubes, otherwise you run the risk of disfiguring your toy in a most gruesome, my-vibrator-looks-like-Sandor-Clegane sort of way. What happens is that the silicone lube can bond with your silicone toy, thus damaging it. I’ve been there, I’ve done that, I don’t recommend it, it’s a disappointing way to lose a toy.
The FemmeFunn Bullet definitely has some power behind it. I easily achieved a quick and frustration free orgasm using the FemmeFunn’s top speed (mode three). I was pretty surprised, like I said earlier, I really thought I would hate this vibrator, I thought for sure it would be weak and buzzy… but it’s not… which I find totally cray-cray. Most of the patterns I could do without, there are only 3 or 4 that I really like and bother using (although I have to cycle through so many other settings just to find them). The rounded, soft silicone tip is perfect for applying pressure down onto my clit and directing pin-point stimulation right where I want it. The vibrations are not deep and rumbly (when compared to my We-Vibe toys at least), but they do not disappoint either. Maybe we can call it moderately rumbly? Very nearly rumbly? Rumble-esque? Whatever we call it, I’m pretty satisfied with the vibrations the FemmeFunn possesses. Like I said earlier, I really was expecting the FemmeFunn Bullet to be weak, buzzy and a total waste of my precious time, but overall I am a pretty happy masturbatory camper.
Another nice feature of the FemmeFunn is the fact that this toy is rechargeable! There is no need to rob your tv remote to run your vibrator! The FemmeFunn Ultra Bullet charges via a USB cable that can plug into most smart phone wall charging units or the USB ports on your computer. It takes about an hour or so to reach full charge and I’ve yet to run down it’s battery life. While charging a light will glow and blink around the button and when it has finished charging the light will stay lit. Pretty straight forward, I have faith you can figure out how to charge it up all by yourself.
Now for the negative. One thing I really don’t care for pops up in the user manual. There is a list of specifications, mostly normal stuff; weight, battery type, materials, etc. But what irks me is under “user” it says “female.” Why? WHY?! Will this toy instantly shut down if it touches a penis? Does it explode if someone who doesn’t identify as female puts it anywhere near their genitalia? What is the point of gendering the user of the this external vibrator? It’s stupid. Stop doing this. A vibrator is a vibrator and it works for anyone who likes vibrations. It is worth pointing out that it is not anal safe, but it is totally safe for a male user, or a non-binary user, or whatever…. “female” user my ass. Humph. So, if I have one harsh criticism of the FemmeFunn Bullet, this is it.
P.S. I pushed the FemmeFunn vibe against my Stunt Cock’s scrotum, he did not die nor combust, nor implode. I’ve done my due diligence and have tested the safety of this toy on non-female gendered peoples. Also safe to use against nipples. Keep out of buttholes.
It definitely exceeded any expectations I had about it. The FemmeFunn Ultra Bullet Massager didn’t dethrone my current go-to favorite bullet vibe (which is still the We-Vibe Tango), but it did do a great job of giving me a more than satisfactory orgasm. It is a vibe I could see traveling with (it comes with a handy storage bag!) or using when I’m feeling too sensitive for the hard plastic of the Tango. I also think that the price is pretty budget friendly, I frequently get asked to recommend a toys that are $50 or less, so I’m always pretty ecstatic when I find a quality toy in that price range. So, If you don’t have a ton of money to throw at your next sex toy, but still want a decent, body-safe, external vibrator, the FemmeFunn Ultra Bullet Massager is a great choice and one that I do recommend with two thumbs up. Also, I think it totally looks like one of those quiz show clicker-buzzer thingies, so buy a few of these and make your next trivia night extra fun!
Can’t wait to try the FemmeFunn Ultra Bullet Massager for your self? Peepshow Toys hooked me up with this nice little vibe, they are super folks who have been amazingly supportive of my blog and I totally, 100% recommend purchasing your FemmFunn Ultra Bullet Massager from these awesome peeps! Bonus, use the coupon code KITTEN at checkout and snag a sweet 10% off your purchase! Who doesn’t love saving a little bit of their sweet, sweet cheddar?
The FemmeFunn Ultra Bullet Massager was provided to me free of charge by Peepshow Toys in exchange for my honest review.