Uberrime Night King Dildo – Sex Toy Review

On the second week of Halloween my BOO love gave to me… an Uberrime Night King Dildo… hmm, nope… this joke no longer works. Once was enough.

Waaahooo! We have made it to week two of our Spooky Month countdown to Halloween! Did you miss week one? Don’t worry, I happen to know the owner of this crazy joint and I can hook you up with last weeks review… catch up on the Halloween Countdown by reading the Tantus Zombie Gary review! Go ahead, click the link… don’t worry, I’ll wait… I’ve got all day. Did you do it? Are you all caught up now? Awesome… ONWARD TO MORE SPOOKYNESS!

So this week I’ve got the Uberrime Night King Dildo! Okay… before you start arguing with me that the Night King isn’t Halloween themed… hear me out… yes it is. Have you seen and/or read the Game of Thrones series? The Night King is creepy as fuck… the only thing creepier would be being double teamed by King Joffrey and Ramsey Bolton while Cersei Lannister watched from a corner (wait… actually now this is getting kind of sexy…). Back to the Night King… that dude is a super freak… also, isn’t he technically a zombie? I mean… he is dead right? Is this just another zombie dick review? I’m getting good at those…. But anyway… whatever he is… just take a moment here to do a Google Image Search for “Night King” and just look at that thing… now, you can’t tell me that you wouldn’t pee your pants if that guy came at you on Halloween. Now, being as the Uberrime Night King Dildo is based off this freakazoid (or at least that is what I’m assuming… oh geez…I could be way off… I could be just talking out my ass here… eh, we’re just going to go with it…’tis the season to be spooky… but I do feel at least 95% sure that its a GoT’s reference) …I would say the Night King has more than earned it’s place on my Halloween countdown list!

The Night King is a fantastic dildo made by Uberrime, which is a totally bitchin’ maker of (hand sculpted) silicone toys (for realsies, check it out their dildos… you won’t be disappointed) and this particular dildo comes to me via my most favorite of stores – Peepshow Toys!

You all seem like a smart cookies, so I am going to assume you have already figured out the material of the Night King… but just in case you are having one of those days (my whole life is one of those…) the Night King is made from silicone (pause for applause)! The silicone has a somewhat medium firmness to it… it has some squish and bend to it but also remains rigid enough for me to plop it on the floor and go for a good ride. The great thing about silicone is that it is non-porous material, phthalate-free, and completely body safe! It is also super easy to clean (shout out to my fellow lazy peeps here), I personally just do a batch of silicone dildos in the top rack of my dishwasher… but if you don’t use as many dildos at a time as I do, you can also drop it into some boiling water (drop it gently… don’t splash yourself), or just go with the good ol’ fashioned wash in the sink. Silicone is just such an amazing (forgiving) material… except when it comes to lube… silicone is fussy about lube… in general, you want to avoid using silicone lubes with silicone toys. Why? Well… because it has the potential to bond with the silicone and cause disfigurement. I’ve had this happen once or twice… but it was with cheaper silicone dildos… I’ve never had an issue with my high quality silicone toys, but its just one of those better safe than sorry things. Also, keep silly putty away from silicone toys… that totally ruins them (trust me on this one…trust me).

The color of the Night King is amazing. Let me say that again… the color is amazing. The marbling is lovely and really evokes the feel of the Night King, frigid and dark… I can just feel the Night Kings piercing blue eyes on me while I look at this thing. Just looking at it I can feel the cold winds howling around me as I wait for the White Walkers to reach the Wall. Except for the wall is my vagina and… no… no… this is a terrible analogy and I refuse to finish it (but you know where I’m going with it…).

The Night King begins with a pretty pronounced phallic head, which is probably the most realistic part of the Night King, after that… things get… weird.  This is where I start to see even more similarities exist between George R. R. Martin’s Night King (or at least the HBO version of him…) and Uberrime’s Night King… I mean just look at the texture of this toy, now go back to that Google Image Search we did earlier of the Night King… now look at the dildo again… the textures of the Night Kings face are really pulled into the texture of the Night King dildo, it’s really pretty cool (cool… ha… pun not intended…). The pronounced head gives way to a pretty well defined seconded corneal ridge and then down the long (and I do mean long… it has a whopping 8 inches of insertable length) shaft is a sort of swirling ribbed texture that seems to emanate off a pronounced “spine” on the backside of the dildo… this texture covers the remaining length of the toy . This which I can feel pretty intensely when inserted. It is a texture lovers dream (which is me, I’m a texture lover, and I am in love). The base of the Night King is adequately flared for anal play… which I haven’t tried yet, I’m a little intimidated by the texture… while I enjoy how it feels rubbing against my vaginal walls, by butt hole clenches pretty tight when I think about it bumping against my anal insides. The base also works pretty well in a harness! It fit perfectly in my Tantus Connoisseur Harness… although because the Night King has a total length of 9 inches… it got a little bit droopy in the harness… but who cares… it looked fucking amazing. Did I wear it around and pretend to be the Night King? Yes. Did I threaten to raise an undead dragon by jizzing onto its corpse. Yes, I probably did that too. Did I threaten to scale the wall and impale my enemies on my mighty shaft? You know I absolutely did that. I always get a little bit weird when I wear around a dick… it’s who I am. I haven’t actually found a guinea pig (I mean… consenting partner) to allow me to peg them with the Night King though… so I don’t know how well it actually works in use… but I bet it works great.

While I’m thinking about it, there is something else interesting about the base that I’ve noticed. So the Night King does not have a suction cup base… but even still… it really holds tight to certain flat surfaces. It really grips tight to both the surface of my desk and to my hardwood floor. This (probably) unintended suction action has made it possible for me to stick the Night King to my floor and ride it. Bouncing up and down on that textured shaft is aaaaaamazing. Now… I can’t promise it will work the same on your floor… this could just be some bizarre magic that has manifested in my house… but give it a try… you might get lucky to have a grippy base to your Night King too! And if the Night King could have a suction cup on purpose… well… that would be perfect!

And while we are on the topic of bouncing on the Night King, I’ve got to say… that double coronal head thing really worked well at stimulating my g-spot. Its like a BAM BAM hit against my g-spot and then it gives way to all that asymmetric ribbing… which is almost a stimulation over load, especially if I’m thrusting with wild abandon (which is how I usually thrust… I have one speed and it’s WILD)! But even though it was an intense texture experience, I never thought it felt rough… some toys have textures that leave me feeling a bit raw and sore after use… but not the Night King, with a good dollop of lube, it slides like a dream! Girth is another satisfying feature of the Night King, it has a max diameter of about 1.7 inches… which is suitably filling, although it doesn’t hit that magical 2 inch mark that size royalty might be looking for. Personally, I find it filling with even a bit of a gentle stretch, but nothing too extreme. Its really just about perfect for me girth-wise. Length is a bit longer than I normally go for, but for now, it’s working for me… I’ve even been experimenting with some deeper, cervical banging… which normally makes me cringe… but going at it in a more thoughtful, on purpose way… well… it doesn’t feel terrible. The long shaft length really means you can do some serious exploring of your body, finding spots that work for you beyond just the p-spot or g-spot! Or just stick it on your desk and stroke it every so often… which is what I am currently doing.

Overall, I’ve got to say… the Uberrime Night King is a really beautiful fusion between realistic and fantasy… like it could be a human penis… but there is clearly something otherworldly about it… something that is definitely not quite human. It is clearly the penis of something cold, dark, mysterious and very powerful. If you have any issues with intense texturing or length, the Night King might not be the dildo you are looking for (unless you are just looking for that final perfect piece for your sexy Night King costume for Comic Con…). But if you love texture, love fantasy toys, love long and reasonably girthy toys… you are in for a real treat! I can quite confidently recommend the Uberrime Night King, it is a fantastic toy to add to anyone’s dildo collection! Winter is coming… and so am I. Sorry… I couldn’t resist… honestly, I’m surprised I was able to hold off this long…

“Night’s King was only a man by light of day, Old Nan would always say, but the night was his to rule.” Ready to let the Night King rule your night? Lay seige to Peepshow Toys and surely they will relent and relinquish their treasures! Or… just use the coupon code KITTEN for a spookily awesome 10% discount and just purchase your Uberrime Night King Dildo the normal way! No army of White Walkers required!

The Uberrime Night King Dildo was provided to me free of charge by Peepshow Toys in exchange for my honest opinion.