MysteryVibe Crescendo – Sex Toy Review
The Mystery Vibe Crescendo is another example of a toy I reeeeeeeeeally wanted to like, but just didn’t. I am kind of having a bad run these past couple of weeks, first I was spurned by the Le Wand then I was let down by the Fun Factory Laya II… and now the Mystery Vibe Crescendo is jumping on that bandwagon. What have I done to deserve this?! Is my clit no longer worthy?! HOW HAVE I OFFENDED YOU GODS OF ORGASM?!
Okay, mayhap I am being a touch melodramatic. The MysteryVibe Crescendo actually isn’t all that bad, I’m just a curmudgeon. It was my half birthday last month, clearly I am just feeling my age. GET OFF MY LAWN YOU DAMN KIDS! I was actually pretty excited when a month or so ago Luvoqa contacted me asking if I would like to try out the MysteryVibe Crescendo, I was far less jaded back then. Now, having been cursed, sex toys can only bring me great disappointment…
But seriously though, when I first heard about the Crescendo I thought it was a pretty spectacular idea. It was a toy being created under the idea of providing a sex toy to the masses that would cater to a variety of different bodies, the Crescendo was convinced with nothing but good intentions. In reality though, there are some flaws that I think need to be ironed out before the Crescendo is a sex toy worth being super excited about and something I would go about recommending on a daily basis.
So, just what about the MysteryVibe Crescendo is there that allows it to claim to be a toy for all bodies? Well, the idea is that the Crescendo is a shapeshifter, much like Mystique the Crescendo can change its form… albeit on a far more limited scale… transforming it into the sex toy you crave… kind of. That’s the idea anyway, in theory this sounds awesome, in practice I have a hard time getting the Crescendo to hold anything other than a C shape. Any other attempts to bend it into shapes that I think I would enjoy are met with mostly frustration, the toy really seems to resist holding it’s shape. Having read other reviews, I feel like I’m kind of alone in this problem… is my Crescendo a dud? Am I doing it wrong? Damn you Crescendo, OBEY YOUR MASTER’S WHIMS!
Sadly, it’s lack of shapeshifting prowess isn’t my only issue with the Crescendo, the quality of the vibration is also a big old bummer. It is buzzy. The higher the intensity the more unbearably buzzy it becomes. If you like lower intensity toys, then the Crescendo is fine, because it is almost rumbly at its lowest settings. So, if I am patient, I can definitely bring myself to orgasm, but it feels more like a chore than anything else. Besides being on the buzzy side of things, the vibrations are also just too mid-level and shallow for me to really enjoy. When I first read about the Crescendo having six independent motors I’m pretty sure I had a long string of drool hanging from my lips… SIX FUCKING MOTORS?! HOT DAMN! I envisioned something so rumbly, so powerful, that my toes would curl just looking at the thing. And indeed, six individual motors do make up the body of the Crescendo, six lackluster motors that can barely accomplish what one normal vibrator motor can. Talk about a serious let down. Also, it’s those six motors that cause the Crescendo’s body to feel like a jointed, rigid, hunk of silicone rather than a truly flexible toy. It’s lack of real flexibility means I am more or less left with two shapes – the flat, somewhat tapered stick (which I thought looked like a tapeworm straight from the box) or the C (is for cookie), which is far to bulky and less-than-form-fitting to pass as a true couple’s vibrator… so, I think MysteryVibe might need to spend just a little more time in the lab working on something with a hair more flexibility and a decent motor (or six).
When used for penetration, I feel like I am limited to only using the smaller flat side (which is completely unfulfilling) because the weird wings on the larger end make things somewhat less useful for penetration. I assume these wings are meant to act like the ears of a rabbit vibrator? I don’t know… they don’t really do anything for me. I slid my clit between the wings and felt literally nothing. As I cycled through the Crescendo’s various settings, the best that I ever felt was a slight tickle at one point… why do these wings exist? Am I missing something? I don’t like when a vibrator makes me feel stupid. So, my options are to stab at my g-spot with a skinny stick, irritate my clit with a juvenile game of “I’m not touching you! I’m not touching you!” or use the bulky C as a couple’s vibrator that somehow manages to not vibrate against any of my good bits. Why does this toy taunt me so?
Even though the Crescendo is advertised as being for all bodies, I would personally avoid using it anally, due to the lack of any real flared base. However, I’m not going to stop you if that’s the route you choose to go, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when you are waiting in the ER to get a vibrator fished out of your rectum.
What I really love about the MysteryVibe Crescendo is both the gender neutral name and it’s super classy aesthetics. Unboxing the Crescendo is a real treat, the black and gold outer sleeve is very beautifully understated while the inner packaging is textured and feels pretty darn fancy. The instruction manual is presented in a tiny black envelope embossed with gold letters reading “A new world of pleasures awaits you.” It is like a goddamn party invitation, I felt like I was being invited to the ball at the King’s castle when I was opening that thing, I was pretty convinced that I was about to meet and marry the prince after using this toy. MysteryVibe seriously has the luxury bit down pat. It’s a beautifully done presentation and really probably the best part about the whole Crescendo experience.
Operating the MysteryVibe Crescendo isn’t as intuitive as I would have hopped, the buttons lead to a bit of confusion and frustration. I always feel like pushing buttons shouldn’t require me to read a manual to figure out what’s going on. The button placement also seems less than ideal to me. While the buttons are easy to push, I found myself confusing the intensity button and the pattern button, which meant I frequently found myself doing something I didn’t actually want. And it was frustrating trying to find my way back to what I was trying to enjoy.
The outer material of the Crescendo is made from 100% body-safe silicone with a smooth matte texture. I was also impressed at the toys ability to remain relatively lint free. It is also 100% waterproof, which makes it shower-play compatible as well as making cleanup a breeze.
The MysteryVibe Crescendo does arrive partially charged, which is good for those of us who have absolutely no patience and want to try a new toy RIGHT AWAY. When it does come time to charge it up, the toy is placed onto its fancy-schmancy charging dock. When placed correctly (it took me a few tries to figure it out… instruction manuals be damned!) the indication light will start blinking, which means it is charging. It seems like it took the Crescendo about an hour to fully charge, you’ll know its done when the blinking light goes solid. It has about two hours of play time, a bit less if you use the toy only at full intensity.
I feel like I should also point out that the Crescendo can also be operated by an app, however I did not bother with it. My phone’s memory is currently full and I just couldn’t be arsed to clear the space to try it out. I know… I’m a terrible person. If I do eventually get around to it, I will update this review with how it works!
Do I recommend you snatch up a MysteryVibe Crescendo? This is kind of a tough question, because the Crescendo is so highly customizable it may be possible for someone else to find enjoyment in the toy where I didn’t. You may be able to get the toy to hold the shape you are looking for and you may enjoy the less intense vibrations. Personally, I didn’t like the Crescendo, but I think if a few issues are addressed and there are future generations of this toy I think it is something that I could eventually love. I am really impressed by the concept of the toy, it is a brilliantly innovate product and I think it has some great potential… it’s just not quite there yet for me. It also has a pretty steep price tag that makes it hard for me to tell you to just buy it and give it a try, because if you don’t like it, well…. you are out $179+ (ouch). The MysteryVibe Crescendo isn’t the worst, but it’s got a ways to go to be a truly fulfilling toy. Am I sounding too wishy-washy about it? Do you need a definitive answer out of me? Okay, don’t buy it, not yet… wait and see if any improvements will be made before dropping all that cash.
The MysteryVibe Crescendo was provided to me free of charge by Luvoqa in exchange for my honest review.